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February, 2001I just realized today that I haven't written in my journal in almost three weeks and I'd better do something about it. The first week of February was very busy with work, a ski tour to Tahoe, and more work. Then, I spent almost a week feeling sick and took three days off from work. That meant that I had to work even harder the next week to catch back up. Then there came another two ski tour weekends in a row. That brings us up to date. There's the conundrum of journaling; when you have plenty to write about, you are too busy to write about it.
Of all the events in the last three weeks, perhaps one of the more interesting was yesterday when I tried a snowboard for the first time. I was on the board for about two hours and started to get the hang of it, turning left and right from both toe side and heal side, with Ben, one of the tour guides, giving me pointers. I fell an awful lot while learning, but only one fall hurt very much. ("Gee Ben, the stars sure are out very early today!") Today, however, I feel like I lost a boxing match with Mike Tyson yesterday. Every inch of my body is sore.
Congratulations are due to Bryan Phillips who has done a magnificent job re-creating his website with a new, retro look that is fantastic. I feel a little bad that I'll never be able to compete with him in terms of how professional his site looks. On the other hand, I can at least be proud that my HTML is 100% pure and coded by hand with nothing more than a text editor. Bryan used Page Mill. Well, considering how good his new site looks, maybe I shouldn't be so proud of my methods. These days, coding HTML by hand instead with a visual editor is sort of like ploughing a field with a single share plough behind an ox instead of with a John Deere diesel tractor. I can only be proud of this little site in the same way the Amish are proud of their homes.
It's time for me to go clean and wax the ninety-odd skis we used this weekend and get them ready to rent for next weekend. I'll write more sooner than last time. I promise.
Thursday February 22, 2000
I'm not sure what I want to write about today. There are a few interesting things in the news, like renewed bombing in Iraq, ex-President Clinton's dubious presidential pardons, and the death of NASCAR start Dale Earnhardt. Yet, although I have opinions about current events, none of them compel me to write.
There have also been some interesting things in the journals of my friends. Bryan Phillips continues his new experience sharing a bedroom with his boyfriend Matt. In this respect, he has experienced something that I have not experienced yet, and I will enjoy learning from him over time. Mickey has been soul-searching since his pilgrimage to Israel and has made many provocative comments in his journal that I think are worth addressing. Despite such great material, I'm not feeling the need to write about it. I'm just overlooking all that's happening and moving on to what's next.
I have a partial explanation to the problem. I'm not thinking enough. My friends have always told me over the years that I think too much. To an extent, especially before I accepted my homosexual orientation, I think that was true. But, being thoughtful is an important virtue to me. Now, I'm so busy doing things, I'm not taking the time to think about them. What's the point in having a quality experience if you can't mull it over and take it in with all its nuances and subtlety?
For instance, only this morning, in the shower, I remembered an important moment in my trip to Washington D.C. I seem to do most of my best thinking in the shower after I've had a night for my mind to expound on ideas without the control of my consciousness. What I remembered this morning was a fantastic moment that occurred while observing activity in a noisy dance club one night.
I had been watching one table in particular when I noticed the conversation being carried on at the next table over. Most of the conversation in the club had to be done by shouting directly in the ear of the listener due to the oppressive volume of the dance music. I don't know why some people hope to find Mr. Right in places like this, there's just no way to enjoy a meaningful conversation. But not at this one table. The six guys there were having a lively and energized discussion. Using ASL. I don't know how many of them were deaf or hearing, but it didn't matter. Their ability to use ASL gave them a huge advantage over everyone else in the room. It was really neat to watch them interact, despite my inability to understand them. For me, it was a powerful scene, filled with myriad ramifications and new ideas to my mind. The disadvantaged were advantaged!
So, why am I only remembering this important revelation three months later? I think I need to find a way to slow down just a little bit. I am always trying to pack as much life as I can into each waking moment, because death is so final and permanent. But trying to live life that way can become like trying to hold a meaningful conversation in a loud dance club. An avalanche of events will smother true, profound experience. Or, is there another way, a way I don't comprehend anymore than ASL, by which I can keep up my pace and not miss a moment? I'll have to think about that one. When there is time.