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| Home | Back Pages | Illustrations | Author Interview | Netshow Links |
| WebCam! | CamGallery | Way Backpages | What is a Backpage? |
October, 1999If you are reading this page and didn't link in via my home page, go back and do so now. I've made quite a few changes around my site. The home page is now the place to start and where I'll link you to any new journal updates. If I might be so presumptuous as to think anyone has bookmarked me, my home page is now the place to bookmark for fast access to what's new on My Back Pages.
While I'm talking shop here, I'd like to add that my Way Back Pages are taking shape. I'm not going to bring them online until there's some decent reading there, but just wanted to let you all know they are coming along. I've got a nice set of childhood photos scanned to help illustrate the story. A few yearbook shots ought to complete the picture.
The last item of site related business is that you may notice my pages are including more of Disney's Robin Hood's face. In an entry in September I mentioned that his character has been a sort of alter ego of mine since first seeing the movie as a child. Robin is often referred to as just plain 'Rob' in the movie too. My online Foxwald persona is a direct outgrowth of identifying with the anthropomorphic fox from the movie.
You'd have to have seen the movie to understand. I don't necessarily identify with the classic Robin Hood traits of robbing from the rich to feed the poor and all that. I'm no socialist. No, my identification is more about how the playful Disney Fox moves and talks, how he takes childlike delight in adventure and can get all mushy in idealized romance, and how he can be a leader without being a tyrant. Robin Hood was prolly one of my first crushes really, or whatever eight year olds get for crushes. Anyways, Rob's a good visual characterization of how I often feel. That's why he's here.
Earlier this week Mickey wrote a longish journal entry in which he expressed a number of feelings which I concluded were all related to existential angst. This is an area I've done a lot of thinking about and I felt compelled to reply to his entry. My reply almost became an entry here, but as I wrote it, I began to feel that it connected so well with Mickey that it could only have the right impact as a personal letter. Every once in a while the ideas I have come out into text just right. This was one of those occasions. When I was done, I knew I'd just knocked a homer right out of the ballpark.
Ah, but then there's Mickey. I've been e mailing with him for prolly two years, and I think I'm beginning to really love that guy. No, you rabid journal rumour fans, I don't mean I'm going to run up to Seattle and pull a Desi/Chadley or anything like that. I just mean I'm growing accustomed to having his personality in my life. I respect him and I like him and I want him to stick around. One of the things I love about him is his sense of the spiritual and his capacity for faith. We stand opposed to each other in this area of philosophy, yet I have to respect his heartfelt opinion. I knew that he wouldn't be able to accept the tenants that I set forth in my e mail to him, but I just couldn't see how he could reject them either. I waited eagerly to find out how he'd pull it off.
Today, I got my answer in his latest journal entry. I'm not going to recreate the details here, they're all spelled out nicely on his site and I encourage all to read it. I think you'll learn a lot about both of us by doing so. There's some very good thought expressed in that entry. In short, he refused to accept my existentialist ideas by making certain assumptions based on faith in a higher power. I do not share his faith, nor his assumptions, so it is not in my capacity to see things the same way he does.
For instance, Mickey thinks its OK to debate Creationism vs. Evolution as the State of Kansas is doing now. I think that debate was OK to have 100 years ago, but now its over. Creationism didn't happen. It is a falsehood no matter how much anyone wants it to be true. That life evolved on Earth is proven fact, not theory. Teaching creationism in school as anything other than a quark of history, like say, witch hunting, is teaching superstition and fantasy.
There are several other religious opinions Mickey maintains, which I do not. They will be the subject of future journal entries here, but I think they detract from another, more important fact I will draw from Mickey's journal entry and the points he makes. What stands out to me about these his entry is that although we approach life from two dialectic viewpoints, we reach similar conclusions!
For instance, Mickey says "What makes me feel good is noticing the beauty in the world around me." Yes! That's it! Mickey, I couldn't agree more. Allow me to quote a popular lyricist who sums this thought up for me perfectly...
Riding on the tapestry Of all there is to see. So many ways, and oh, So many things. Rejoicing in the differences, There's no one just like me! Yet as different as we are, We're still the same. And, oh, I love the life within me, I feel a part of everything I see. And, oh, I love the life around me, A part everything is here in me!
As good as it gets? Well maybe that's just a question of scale. I'm thinking, we're all here on Earth at the end of the 20th Century. That's it. That's as good as it gets for us.
Mickey is thinking that he's in Seattle, going out with Steve on the night of October 1st, 1999. This moment is now, but that's not definately as good as it gets.
Our disagreement comes from looking at different scopes of life and time. I think, in the intermediate, we would end up agreeing. The long term, however, is another point. I think he believes there is something beyond a lifetime, something that guides us in this life, something that might be better still. For me, that's just not there.
I hope it doesn't appear that I'm trying to argue religion in this entry. If I were trying to do that, I'd have all my readers avowed atheists by this time. That entry will come, but this is not it. What I'm trying to do here, is draw contrasts between myself and Mickey, and yet explain why I think he's such a wonderful person. He thinks, dammit! He has well formed opinions and he's not afraid to defend them.
One drunken night, a long time ago, a very dear friend and I spent the entire night talking about the nature of the Universe under a starfield in a meadow. As the sun began to break the reverie of the night, Jeff and I came to a profound revelation, one that I hold to be true to this day. I shared it with Mickey just tonight - There are those who KNOW, those who SUSPECT, and those who don't EVEN suspect. Mickey knows. I think the rest of you have an idea where you fall.
Tuesday October 5th, 1999
I have discovered that the biggest conundrum of journaling is that when you are busiest and have the most to write about, you have the least amount of time to write about it all in. This is definitely one of those times.
I've only got about 15 minutes to write in my journal today. I suppose I could have written yesterday evening, when I had several hours to myself, but I really needed that time to myself. I needed to read up on a few things, I needed time to think about things, and I needed time to distract my brain from all my conscious thinking so that the unconscious could work on things a little too. I'm still not done processing everything, so I'm just going to have to take my 15 minutes and gloss over things as a placeholder, until I can write about them in earnest.
I've been really enjoying an open ended discussion with Mickey over the last few days about philosophy and religion and how our approaches to the subjects differ. I'm dying to respond to his October 4th entry, but haven't been able to complete my thoughts and won't have the time to commit them to HTML for several more days. In short, I have to say I'm amazed at how similar the essence of our thinking is, even though we put very different spin on it. I think we'll end up agreeing more than disagreeing in the long term. He used a Hebrew religious term which I'm not familiar with - HaShem - which I need to further investigate. He speaks of order, even in chaos. And he hints at the connectedness of things. These are all ideas we can reach common ground with. I won't accept the idea of an interventionist and animistic God, but I'm excited by the idea that I could come to agreement with my faithful friend Mickey on other, spiritual, terms.
Besides figuring out the nature of the Universe with Mickey, I've had another problem at the fore of my thoughts. This time, its with my boyfriend Brent. No, there hasn't been any fighting or name calling or such. The question of a long term relationship is beginning to surface.
Brent and I went to the wedding of one of his friends from work. We proudly went as a couple and spent a lot of time dancing together. It was a bit of a coming out experience for Brent, since he'd never really told some of the people at his work. It wasn't so much for me, because I'd never met any of them before. The trouble between us with this wedding is that Brent began wondering when/if he and I would get married.
He spent most of the day after the wedding ceremony deep in thought. He even needed to take off and be alone for a while - quite unusual and significant for him. I need to talk to him more about his thoughts. I get the general impression that he is ready to make a life commitment with me and wants to do so right away, so he can get on with planning the rest of his life. I agree that Brent could be the One for me, and certainly wouldn't be a bad choice at all, but I'm not mature enough to make a LIFETIME decision. Its just not in me yet. If I made a commitment like that now, it would be just words. I love Brent very much. Too much to make a promise I'm not mature enough to make yet.
It'll take a complete and separate entry to describe what's in my head and why I can't make that lifetime commitment yet. I'm still thinking about it now, and certainly don't have the words yet. I have to admit I'm a little stressed about the whole thing. I feel guilty for not being able to give him what he wants. I also feel at risk I might loose him by taking too long. We compliment each other very well and I'm sure we'd have a wonderful life together. I'm just not ready to do it yet and I can't quite figure out why.
Well, that's what I'm spending a lot of energy thinking about these days. Unless I get hit by a bus or something, I'm sure you'll end up reading about my conclusions here.
Friday October 8th, 1999
Its been a weird day. Oh, nothing too bad or anything. I have worked three overtime days in a row and have been into work early all week. Consequently, I've not been getting the eight hours of sleep per night that my body demands of me. I'm tired today.
I started at 7:00 am to head down to Big Sur and start a gas generator at the lab there. The power has been out since the lightning storm three weeks ago. The Big Sur coast was beautiful this morning. The sun was flashing on the ocean, the hills brilliantly illuminated. The air was golden in color, like in a movie. It wasn't just me thinking this, there are some wildfires burning near Big Sur and the smoke they produce tinted everything.
I got the generator fire up, but being as that it was in the building with me, the fumes built up, and I had a nasty headache within an hour. I had to work down there all day, running out to the fresh smokey air every once in a while. I got all the work done, installing two new digital tape drives on two Unix Sun Workstations. I made it home at 6:00 pm.
There is no food, water, or pluming at our research station. I didn't get to eat all day. Unfortunately, I only had time for a shower before I had to run out and conduct a GTA (Gay Teen Aliance) meeting. I've been a volunteer leader for the group for the last two years. Its just the kind of thing I needed when I was in High School, so I feel very strongly about providing a place for gay teens to break the sense of isolation. I hope one day soon it won't be necessary at all, but for now, its a step in the right direction.
I enjoy the GTA meetings. They make me feel good. There's a real sense of mutual support among the participants. They come from very diverse backgrounds and would prolly be at odds with each other if not for the common thread of bias against their sexual orientation at school. Some are out at school, or out to their parents, others not. Every race and economic level is well represented. Its just cool to see them come together for each other. A vision of what America is supposed to be.
In spite of how much I enjoy the meetings, this one dragged on a bit for me, because of my headache, and because I was tired, and because I hadn't eaten all day. After the group broke up (most of them headed out to a party at a friend's house) I headed for home, stopping on the way to pick up some fast food. I don't normally eat the stuff, but it was all I had the energy to do. I collapsed on the couch and watched AC/DC in concert while stuffing my face with junk. Let the rats run amok for a while too. Little beggars wanted my fries! AC/DC was fun to watch. I forgot how much I like them.
Now I'm going to read a while and then pass out. My head still hurts, and I'm still tired. So, no great thoughts today. No mediocre ones either. Just a few words. It's only a Northern Song.
Tuesday October 12th, 1999
Oh, the weekend here was gorgeous! Monterey has its best weather of the year in late September and early October. If you like deep blue skies, light breezes, low humidity and 80 degrees, then Monterey is the place for you. It was just what I needed to recuperate from the previous week.
Saturday, I slept in until nearly 11:00 am. I woke in time to shower, have a nice, leisurely lunch and then drive up to San Jose. The nearest mountaineering stores are there, about an hour and a half drive, and both stores there were having Fall sales. I was hoping to find a warmer sleeping bag on sale, but the model I wanted was already gone from both stores on year-end clearance. All was not lost, because the main reason I went to San Jose on Saturday was to see the SJ Sharks play hockey. They played a great game against last year's Stanley Cup Champs the Dallas Stars, but lost 3-2. Hockey is a fun game to go watch once or twice a year. In addition to watching Hockey, the guy watching at the arena is a lot of fun too. There seems to be a high concentration of cute Hockey fans compared to other sports I go to, even racing.
After the game, I didn't drive home. I drove over to Brent's house. He was working all Saturday night, so I thought it would be a neat surprise for him if I stayed the night at his house so he could cuddle up with me for an hour when he got back at 8:00 am Sunday morning. I know I enjoyed it, and I scored lotsa good boyfriend points too.
After a pleasant snuggle I took a shower to freshen up for the day and went down to the outdoor mall to sit outside in the sun with a big cup of coffee and a muffin. But first, I stopped at the bookstore to buy a few books to read while sitting. I surfed into a very appealing website a week or two ago (Hi Kevin!) which recommended some stories by Mercedes Lacky as being the best treatment ever of gay characters in fantasy writing. I've read a only little fantasy stuff in the past, but science fiction is usually more my thing. The overall gestalt of Kevin's website and summary of the stories won me over so I bought the books to read in the sun.
I was ensconced. I read for two hours infront of the coffee shop, then went to my parents' house (I haven't visited them in more than a month and was getting a heavy guilt trip from Mom) where I sat in their lovely backyard and read until dinnertime. It actually turned into a nice relaxing day - even at my folks! I got home late, and read some more.
Monday was a holiday for me, but work demanded my presence around 3:00 pm. I had to go down the coast to refuel and start the generator again. I slept in late Monday morning (having read "The Black Gryphon" until about 3:00 am) and showered to get ready for the day about 11:00. While dressing I got an ICQ from the Kevin, the creator of the page which recommended the books I was reading. I'd never communicated with him before. It was an awkward introduction for me. I was rather embarrassed. Emphasis on the last two syllables.
I know I've promised no naughty behavior on my webcam, ala Robb and many others out there (You do what you want Robb, I don't think any less of you. You can't help it, it's in your character after all! Just not in mine.) Thing is, Kevin caught me just out of the shower in my Tigger boxers on my webcam! Akk! Thank goodness he didn't look in a minute earlier. I'm not sure if my java script uploaded then, but he could have seen much less of Tigger and more of me!!!
I try to approach my webcam as an honest extension of this, an honest journal. When its on, it simply shows what's going on inside my apartment. I'm never going to put on an exhibition for the camera, but if I'm sleeping or getting dressed, you might rarely catch a glimpse of me somewhat less than fully clothed. Its my house damnit! But, that's not the way I usually meet new people, so I was a little embarrassed when I got an ICQ complimenting my shorts. At least he wasn't begging me to shut down the camera. *grins sheepishly*
Kevin turned out to be a pretty nice guy. We chatted a while and then I took off for a relaxed lunch before going down to Big Sur. I finished work at about 8:00pm and went home to read some more. It's kind of fun getting hung up on a fiction book. I read a lot, but mostly non-fiction. Maybe I'll do a little book review here when I've finished the series.
Saturday October 15th, 1999
This business of keeping the generator working down at Point Sur is getting out of hand. Me and Andy (another guy from work) have been assigned to keep it running 24 hours a day. It only goes 13 hours on a tank of fuel, so we're taking turns driving 45 minutes each way to fuel it at 6:30 am and 6:30 pm. I've got the morning run to allow me to go to all my ski guide training meetings in the evenings. 'Course that means I've been having to get up shortly after 5:00 am. YUK! Its not right to get up when it's still night. I stayed up way too late last night chatting on ICQ with Kevin, consequently I'm pretty darn tired after a full day in the sun working at the race track today. I'm repeating the whole thing again tomorrow.
Technically, all this should end in a week. The transformer should be replaced by then, or so the public works people say. I'm thinking it will take more like two months and I'm not prepared to go on getting up at 5:00 am every day for the next two months. In fact, I told my boss, Proffessor Chiu, that I'd be taking next Friday and the Monday after that off. I'm headed down to San Diego to officiate at a race there over the weekend.
The race is going to be a blast! Its on temporary grand prix type track set up on the runways and taxiways of an airport. I'm driving down on Friday with my friend Mark who will be rooming with me for the weekend. Yes, he's still cute, and yes, he's still straight, so don't get your hopes up people!
Mark and I will prolly hook up on Thursday night to go see one of my favorite fun bands at a local club with some of the other ski tour guides. We've got a regular meeting Thursday evening (this week's topic will be 1st Aid) which we usually follow with going out for a beer (Guiness for me!). This week I'm going to try to get everyone to join me at the Dread Zepplin that night. DZ are in interesting group to say the least. They mostly cover Led Zepplin songs, except they play them in a Reggea style. Then top it off with an Elvis Presley impersonator as the lead singer. It's a bizzare show, but trust me, it works and its a lot of fun. They're very good musicians and have been playing together for a long time. If Mark goes to that with us, I'll see if he wants to spend the night on my sofa. He lives 30 minutes out of town, but I live within walking distance of both the Dread Zepplin show and the campus where his class is Friday morning. Once his class is over on Friday, we can take off for Sand Dog from here.
I'm looking forward to it quite a bit. By the end of the week, with all the 5:30 am trips, I'll be looking to blow out of here big time! In the meanwhile, I'll just have to put up with early starts, long days, and lots of overtime.
Monday October 18th, 1999
Four years ago, when I was forced to accept my homosexual nature after years of denial, I had to work on rebuilding my entire character. I wanted to be come a better person. I wasn't a very good person then. I was angry and vengeful, yet at the same time I'd let people walk all over me and had no sense of self-worth. I was petty, judgemental, and rather materialistic too. I needed a new outlook on life. My old ways were killing me.
I realized that not only was I gay, but I had to *be* gay. The closet was forcing a lot of other unpleasant aspects of my personality to the fore and only by coming out could I deal with all those other things too. You see, they weren't sepparate issues, but rather different manifestations of the same thing - my own warped and confined personality.
After coming out as gay, I've become less burdened in my mind. I feel 'lighter'. Much of my old angry self just melted away. These days, my life is about understanding and joy and love. I'm not at all some kind of New Age Hippie or touchy-feely as that last sentence sounds on the surface, but my priorities and goals have changed in that direction.
The process of Becoming is by no means over for me. I still have to consciously let go of my hate and anger quite often. Like when I'm driving behind a lost tourist on a narrow, twisty road, or when dealing with immigrants and naturalized citizens who haven't learned English. If I were truly the sort of person I'd like to be, I wouldn't have any hate or anger rise up in those situations to let go. But I'm working on it.
This weekend, I reflected on a few things Mickey wrote to me earlier this month in the light of something my new e friend Kevin told me. Together, my friends comments made me realize that I might have a problem with self-centeredness.
I'm quite generous with my friends, I donate my time to several good causes, and I try to think of others when making short term decisions. I'm not selfish in that sense. But, what I've never considered before this week, is that my philosophy has probably led me to being ultimately self-centered despite my magnanimous gestures. I'm still thinking about it. I'm not sure if its true, or if it is true, if it is necessarily a bad thing.
Please read, for a moment, Mickey's words to me:
What makes me feel good is noticing the beauty in the world around me. I feel alive when I know that some person's life is a little better today because of something I did for or said to him/her. If I can listen to someone who needs to speak, if I can touch someone who feels left out, if I can offer some small piece of advice that lifts a burden off of another's heart, then I have increased the Energy that is out there, and I have given someone else the opportunity to pass it on.
Kevin put his thoughts in more idealistic, black and white terms:
I think that if you can't commit your life to the service of someone or something outside yourself, then you don't deserve to exist.
These guys are trying to tell me that just being considerate of others, and generous to others isn't enough. They're saying that a good life can only be achieved by dedicating your life to the betterment of others at the core, essential level.
That is a radical departure from the way I have seen things up to now. My view has been that it's good to be nice to others, to be sociable, and to have a sense of fair play, but at it's core, life is an individual competition to be won or lost. The score is kept in terms of happiness and in terms of rewarding experiences versus a life of sadness and misery. We're not competing against one another, there does not need to be an unhappy person for every happy person. As such it's perfectly OK to help others win their game too, but the individual nature of the game means we can really only play for ourselves. Helping others may be a good choice, but it is still made out of self interest, for the self-satisfaction that it brings.
My friends are trying to tell me about an entirely different way of thinking. A way of selflessness for its own sake. In my philosophy, there is no such thing. To me, we can only be altruistic to the extent that it brings self satisfaction. It's a difficult paradigm for me to shift. I'm now faced with the crisis of whether the things I cherish - understanding, joy, love - require true selflessness. If they do, then my whole approach to life breaks down and I must come up with a new understanding.
Here's a practical look at the problem. If Kevin is right, then my life will become more meaningful and significant if I dedicate it wholly to the betterment of my boyfriend. The only reason I haven't committed to him yet is I'm still not sure if a life committed to Brent is right for me, and if I commit before knowing, then the relationship may be doomed. Complete selflessness requires committing to him without consideration of the possibly poor outcome for myself.
I think I'm starting to take this idea in circles here. That's how my mind is working right now. I'm looking at the problem over and over again, each time from a slightly different perspective. Ultimately the best answer should take shape.
Wednesday October 20th, 1999
I continue to consider the question of selflessness. I don't have an answer yet, and it will prolly be a while before I do. That doesn't mean I'm ignoring the problem. I'm thinking about it a lot. The answer will have major impact on the direction of my life. For instance, the school I work at is experiencing major funding difficulty and may not continue to exist more than a few years. The professor I am immediately employed by is on sabbatical and could very likely choose not to return to a sinking ship in the form of the school. I could be faced with needing a new job in a year or so. How I'm prioritizing things in my life at that time will profoundly influence the course of my life when the time comes.
While I consider my epic decisions, the Earth continues to turn on its axis, exactly as it has done for the last four billion years, and ignores my fate completely. I remember a poster given pride of place high above the blackboard at the front of my senior year English teacher's classroom. Mr. Lundy was a wonderful teacher and his passion for the language, his love of moving prose and poetry was infectious and a great influence on the person I am today. He never commented on the poster displayed so prominently in his classroom, however. He let it speak for itself;
"Sir," a man said to the Universe, "I exist."
The Universe replied, "That fact creates no sense of obligation in me."
In the Book of Genesis god gives humans dominion over every living thing and the fear and the dread of us is to be upon every beast. Man is urged to subdue nature. The word 'subdue' translated from the ancient Hebrew has military connotations, according to Sagan (Billions and Billions, Random House 1997). Our modern Western inheritance of this Judeo/Christian philosophy is evident when we say things like "Hillary conquered Everest".
More recently, as a critical environmental crisis becomes evident, the Western view has shifted a little. Now it is popular to think of humanity as the "stewards" of the Earth, charged with it's care and answerable to the eternal "Landlord". But in the grand scale of the Universe, humanity as the conquerors or even as the stewards of nature is a laughable idea. We humans have been around less than one thousandth of the time the dinosaurs were at the top of the food chain. The Earth is not at the center of the solar system, which itself is quite randomly placed in a galaxy loosely moving in a globular cluster of galaxies. No, Mr. Lundy's poster was quite correct. We humans, with our self-awareness, may be a very interesting piece of the Universe, but we occupy no special significance. There will come a time when humanity exists no more, but the Universe will go on.
Not only that, but humanity will undoubtedly go on for many generations beyond me. So what special significance do the decisions that I make hold for the Universe? What does it matter that I make choices good or bad? My choices affect me and those people around me. If I made choices that enabled me to become a powerful world leader, I could affect perhaps a generation or two of all humanity. But on the scale and sweep of the Cosmos, isn't it the height of arrogance to suggest that anything I do as an individual could be considered either good stewardship to (or for that matter, an affront of) nature?
Why shouldn't a person balance fairness and kindness to other people with self motivation? Why can't the idea of altruism be rooted in the self gratification it brings? Why shouldn't I plan the one hundred or less years I have of consciousness to my maximum advantage? What's the problem with being self-centered when making life changing decisions?
I want to be good, really I do. It's just that I don't believe in evil. It makes it pretty hard to be good when there's no contrast. Will somebody please tell me why I should put others first, and how it will affect the outcome of the Universe?
Thursday October 21st, 1999
My ears are ringing. Normally I'm smart enough to bring a set of foam earplugs from the race track to a rock show, but silly me, I didn't tonight. I'm still kinda drunk too. Yes, that's it, I'm tired, happy, tiniatised, and drunk. Isn't life good?
The day started early at Pt Sur to refuel the generator at 7:00 am. There were some complications with the computer systems there and I didn't get back to the lab until after 1:00pm. Lots to catch up on before I bolted work to run ski tour guide training at 6:00pm. Then, finally, it was time to go to the show around 9:00pm.
I managed to convince about 10 tour guides that this rock show was worth seeing. The opening band was some friends of mine from Laguna Seca. They played mostly original songs with a 60s psychedelic and 80s pop sound combined. I hadn't ever heard them before and had no idea what they were going to do. I loved it! Two of my favorite styles. They did two covers, one an old Syd Barrett era Pink Floyd song, the other a Stones cover from Their Satanic Majesty's Request - 2,000 Light Years from Home. Very cool.
When my friends from the ski program came to the show with me, they were shocked at the $10 cover and threatenend me that it better be worth it. The opening band was good, but when the headliners ripped into their first song, worry over the $10 was utterly banished. The main band was none other than Dread Zepplin! There's just no show on earth like these guys, or as much fun. Ed Zepplin, Bob Gnarley, and Butt Boy took the stage and did a reggea original to set the mood, then introduced Torte Elvis who came out with his personal roadie, Charlie Haj, and lit into "The Immigrant's Song", reggae style of course! Dread Zepplin are so tight, so talented, and such great entertainers. There's nothing quite like it. You've just gotta see a show to appreciate Led Zepplin songs done reggea style and sung by an Elvis impersonator.
My friend cute Mark was there sitting there with me. This guy is a chick magnet. It seemed like hundreds of girls came fluttering up to him like moths drawn to a flame during the show. I've got mixed feelings about him. He seems so straight with all his girls, yet he sends me other interested vibes too. I'm just as gaga over him as the girls are. He's just so cute and such a damn nice guy.
Worse still, I'm going to have to fight off temptation all weekend long because he's going to be traveling with me to San Diego to officate a historic car race there. That's right. I get Mark all to myself all weekend, including sharing a hotel room. Dear god I'm going to have to work hard to behave myself.
I'm so confused. I love Brent - he's my boi! Why should I feel such a level of excitment with Mark? Granted he's a nice guy and will make someone a wonderful companion one day. But not me. He's not at a stage in his life where he and I could really share our lives like Brent and I do. Mark and I don't make sense together, even if he were gay. So why do I have to have such strong feelings about sharing intimacy with him? Is it as a friend? Brent would be crushed if anything happened between me and Mark as more than friends. Brent has strict lines about what a friend is. But for me, sometimes the love of friendship and the love of eros can be quite blurred. Is that necessarily bad?
I don't know. Perhaps I'll have a better idea at he end of the weekend.
Tuesday October 26th, 1999
This is gonna be a long one. There's a lot on my mind right now. I'm rarely short of thoughts, the hard part is organizing them all in an understandable way. I guess that's what this journal is about, for the most part. So here goes...
First, the weekend. It all began with the Dread Zeppelin show, which I've already raved about. DZ songs have been floating around in my head ever since - Mark and I were singing them all weekend at the racetrack. But I get ahead of myself. My ears finally stopped ringing sometime on Friday, the day after the concert. I didn't wake up with a headache, thank the Lord and Lady, but I think my brain was only running at 75% for the first part of the day. I had a few mundane chores to do, and a little packing, so it didn't matter that I was somewhat dull witted. At 11:30 am I went to my parent's house to see my aunt and uncle who were, in an ironic twist, visiting from San Diego. Ironic, I say, because after our half hour visit, I met Mark at my apartment to drive down to San Diego to officiate at a Historic Motor Sports Assoc. (HMSA) race event on a temporary track in Coronado.
I've mentioned Mark here before. He's been a puzzle to me, but I think I've got it more or less figured out now. I'm not sure of the implications for my future, but at least I have a much better understanding of him than before. I liked him from the first time I met him on a ski tour. We hit it off really well, and this summer I managed to get him involved at the race track too, since he likes racing. Despite my connection with Mark, our contact has always been limited to the context of one or the other of the projects we share, with little time to talk about other things. After Mark met me at my apartment on Friday, we had a nine hour drive to spend locked up in the cabin of my car together. Finally an opportunity for us to really get to know one another.
I wasn't entirely sure if Mark knew I was gay. I don't make coming out speeches anymore, and I wasn't about to make one in this case either. I knew Mark was not gay, in spite of his being a little different - less conformist, more open, less judgmental - than most guys. My relationship to Mark has been a little like that of Mickey to "the Student", if you read Mickey's journal. I like him a lot, although I know there can be no romantic involvement between us for two important reasons; 1. I'm already involved with someone else. 2. Mark isn't capable of a satisfactory romantic relationship with another guy. Despite the impossibility of romance, we bonded on the drive down. It felt good. We were in LA, stopping for a rest break around 6:00pm and talking about our relationships to our parents when he asked me what my folks impressions of 'my lifestyle' were. That pretty much cleared up that question, and opened the door for much more discussion.
Mark and I are remarkably similar, despite the obvious difference in sexual preference. We both come from strongly Catholic families. Both our fathers were Navy officers. Both our mothers are in the health care field (in fact they know each other!). Both of us spent some of our critical adolescent years living overseas. Our taste in music, sports, leisure activities, etc. is quite similar. Most important, we're both the sort of person who tries to think about things and not just accept them at face value - we both try to reject paradigms and assumptions and get to the truth of the matter. As we made our way down to San Diego, and then spent some time relaxing at dinner there, it became more apparant how well we just seemed to 'click', as my friend Desi (Hi Robb!) often puts it.
The only trouble is, being a gay guy, I'm capable of feeling much more powerful feelings of affection for my straight male friends than they are capable of having for me. This is one of the curses of being gay. Our straight friends don't understand how strongly we gay guys care about them because they can't feel that strongly about any guy. Until we fully appreciate this fact ourselves, it can hurt us as well. In the past, I've accidentally fallen in love with two straight guys this way.
This time, I was more aware of how my brain works, and wasn't about to let my feelings of affection spill over into erotic love. Oh, Mark is a very cute and adorable guy and somewhere out there is a very lucky girl whom I'm very envious of even though he hasn't met her yet, but I'm not about to fall for someone I can't have again. It hurts way too much. Mickey knows - read about his demons sometime. But Mark is more astute than most other guys. He was genuinely sympathetic to the way I felt. He understood the depth of my feelings about him. I told him how happy I was that finally I could have a straight friend that understands. I think my friend Stuart is about the only other straight guy I know who has a clue, and I love him dearly for it.
The whole weekend went by in a blur of ambrosia. *sigh* The weather in San Diego was perfect - sunny, breezy, mid 80s in the day and 70s at night. The race event went well. But happiest of all was just getting to hang out with Mark. It prolly sounds like we spent the whole time talking about heavy issues, but that's not the case. Most of the time we were just joking around, playing, goofing off, appreciating the cars and the Navy jets, and enjoying an adventure away from home. The fact that we could discuss deeper issues and that we understood each other at that level just made the rest of the time so much the better.
The puzzle of Mark has come to a very happy resolution. I've got a new friend for life. But it has opened just as many questions pertinent to the course of my life as it answered. Questions I find disturbing and threatening. I'm going to have to think about it for a while.
My friend Kevin pointed out to me that I've been gushing about Mark on these pages far more than I have about my boyfriend Brent. He thought that if Brent read it all, he'd probably feel like crap. When Kevin said that, I felt like I'd been slapped in the face. I'm not saying Kevin attacked me, he just pointed out some painful facts that I wasn't seeing. I thank him for it, although now I've got even more to think about.
It is true I don't write about Brent that much on these pages. He and I get along very well and consequently there isn't much stress there. I tend to write more about the negative things that are stressing me than the joys I find in life because it's the stressful things that need sorting out. I also don't write about my intimate relationship with Brent because I believe those details to be too private to share with anyone other than Brent.
But it's not the absence of Brent's character in this journal that Kevin got me worried about. It's the idea that Brent would be deeply hurt if he knew what I was thinking. That really wiped me out. Hurting Brent is the *last* thing on Earth I'd ever want to do. I care about him way too much to do that. I feel responsible to Brent to keep him from harm. The idea that I could be hurting him made me a little sick.
Kevin says that his experience with over-thinkers like me is that we're way too skittish about relationships and forever second guessing ourselves out of them. I agree that's something about myself I need to work on, but is this journal the place for that? Brent knows I'm unsure, I wouldn't lead him down a rosy path, but he loves me anyway and yes, it probably would hurt him to read the particulars of my inability to commit myself to him completely. Are my doubts the kind of thoughts that should never see the light of day, lest they hurt him?
I wonder if all people have these thoughts and just don't talk about it. How do people find the courage to stand up in front of everyone they care about and make a lifetime commitment to the one they care about most? Oh, it sounds easy on the surface, but how the hell are you supposed to *know* when you've met The One? What if it turns out I'm just too damn selfish to see that I've already met him and he loves me? What if I'm ripping his guts out by just asking the question in my blindness? I couldn't bear doing that to him. I don't know what to do. I hadn't realized it was this complicated nor that the stakes were so high. I'm such a moron.