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October, 2001Just in case you were starting to think that Sept. 11 had gone away and it was time to return to things like who's dating who in Hollywood, or how many people were eaten this week by sharks on East coast beaches, I thought I'd share a few points made by British Prime Minister Tony Blair in a speech today:
"Be in no doubt: Bin Laden and his people organized this atrocity. The Taliban aid and abet him. He will not desist from further acts of terror. They will not stop helping him. Whatever the dangers of the action we take, the dangers of inaction are far, far greater.
"Look for a moment at the Taliban regime. It is undemocratic. That goes without saying. There is no sport allowed, or television or photography. No art or culture is permitted. All other faiths, all other interpretations of Islam are ruthlessly suppressed. Those who practice their faith are imprisoned.
"Women are treated in a way almost too revolting to be credible. First driven out of university; girls not allowed to go to school; no legal rights; unable to go out of doors without a man. Those that disobey are stoned.
"There is now no contact permitted with Western agencies, even those delivering food. The people live in abject poverty.
"It is a regime founded on fear and funded on the drug trade. The biggest drugs hoard in the world is in Afghanistan, controlled by the Taliban. "
I wonder a little about the timing of this speech. It could have been made any time in the last three weeks. Does Mr. Blair know something the public does not? Certainly. Will the terror camps in Afghanistan erupt in fountains of flame soon? Probably. Does the timing of Mr. Blair's speech mean anything? I don't know.
Friday, October 12 2001
It's time to tell you all I'm going on another expedition. But first, let me explain how it has come to this. Almost as often as people tell me I think too much, they also say it's amazing I get to do all the fun things I do. I wonder if it ever occurred to them that there might be a relationship there?
I had the good fortune of being an American born at end of the 20th Century, but my adventures don't happen by blind luck. They are the result of decisions I make after much careful thought. They aren't one-off occurrences either, but rather the product of methodical planning. My next mountaineering expedition is a good example.
From reading books, I recognized many elements in the sport of mountaineering that appealed to me, although I'd never done anything like it before. In 1998, I decided to try it and laid out a little plan, a timeline, of successive mountaineering objectives I wanted to accomplish. Each objective required all the skills learned from the previous, and then added something new. For instance, the first goal (step A) was simply to go camping and learn how to put up a tent and sleep outside. The next goal (step B) combined camping and a hike to an altitude of 3000 meters.
My plan wasn't just an idea. I gave it the form of an ASCII file on my computer. I'm still using it four years later. If, at anytime, I no longer enjoy mountaineering, then I can close the file and move on to something else. It's just for enjoyment after all.
But the plan itself is quite serious and has an end game - me coming safely back down from the summit of the highest mountain on Earth! I will probably stop my plan before that occurs, but while I'm involved in this sport, Everest seems like the logical ultimate goal, whether I ever get there or not.
My first experience with full-on technical glacier mountaineering (step C) came in 1999 at a mountaineering school. The camp was on snow, not dirt. It was longer in duration, six days, which added the element of meal planning and vastly increased the physical demands Although the environment included snow slopes, glacial ice, and winter weather, the trip never ascended above 2000 meters, keeping the effects of altitude minimized to maximize the technical learning process.
My fourth trip (D) was intended to be a non-technical, but snowy 4000-meter mountain, to learn how I responded to higher altitudes before going high on a technical mountain. The fifth (E) was to be a technical 3000-meter peak, to hone my technical skills, and then, on the sixth trip (F), I'd be ready for a technical 4000-meter summit. After those accomplishments, I could honestly call myself full-fledged mountaineer with at least a little experience. I'd be ready for international expeditions to exotic and high mountains.
The plan had to be re-arranged a little when I failed to complete the non-technical 4000 meter climb (D), and then I was offered a rare opportunity to climb Mt. Rainier with the Alpine Ascents group. Although not quite sure I was ready, I accepted the offer and successfully climbed Rainier a year early, in the summer of 2000.
Thus I completed step (F) before steps (D) and (E). Step D became superfluous with the accomplishment of (F), although I attempted it a second time (and failed a second time) just for fun in 2001. Step (E) was still a valid objective, which I accomplished when I summited Mt. Baker in August of 2001.
So, in just four years, I've been able to go from having never been camping on my own to being fit and ready for an international mountaineering expedition. It has happened quickly and efficiently (read as comparatively inexpensive) because each trip wasn't a random event but figured into an overarching plan. That's how I tend to do most everything in life.
It's easy to accomplish amazing achievements when you identify your goal and organize little baby steps to get there. If your goal is lofty, you might need to subdivide your steps. For instance, before I could attempt step (D), I had to train enough to carry a 60 lbs. backpack up 2000 ft. in two hours. To get what you want out of life, just figure out what it takes and do it. It's that simple. You can have it all, although not at the same time.
Now that I've paused to explain the method to my mountaineering madness, I'd like to fill you in on my expedition. I'm attempting to climb two mountains in Mexico at the end of this month. Both mountains are cone-shaped extinct volcanoes. The first is called Mt. Iztaccihuatl and is located 90 miles East of Mexico City, right next door to the erupting active volcano there. The second is called El Pico de Orizaba. Orizaba is 100 miles further East overlooking the city of Veracruz.
The trip will last 10 days, with about four days on each mountain. The expedition will satisfy steps (G) and (H) of my plan by being my first international expedition, my first expedition lasting more than a week, and by climbing on technical terrain to an altitude exceeding 5000 meters.
It is that final objective that is the true test of this trip. 5000 meters is serious business. You can't get to that kind of altitude in the continental U.S. Very thin air will be an enormous factor in the difficulty of the climb. 5000 meters is high enough that the ailments of Pulmonary Edema and Cerebral Edema are a concern. Our high camp will be at 4000 meters where the overnight temperature will fall far below freezing - and most of the climbing above high camp will occur at night.
I'm a little worried about this one. Not for my safety, I always do my best to minimize the risks involved. Yes, something bad might happen, but if I do everything right the risk is minimal enough that there is no need to worry over it. What I'm worried about is whether or not I can do it. Have I trained enough? Am I strong enough? Do I have the will power? Is my fear of heights going to freeze me up and prevent me from going higher? This climb isn't cheap. I'm going to be in debt for a year when I'm done. That means I'm foregoing any other climbing opportunities for a year to do this.
I must succeed. But will I? That's definitely a worry.
Wednesday, October 17 2001
The agents of Terror even struck in space on September Eleventh. Here's what astronaut Frank Culbertson, Commander of the International Space Station said, shortly after he heard news of the attack.
"I know so many people in Washington, so many people who travel to DC and NYC, so many who are pilots, that I felt sure that I would receive at least a few pieces of bad news. I got the first today when I learned that the captain of the American Airlines jet that hit the Pentagon was Chic Burlingame, a classmate of mine. What a terrible loss, but I'm sure Chic was flying bravely to the end. Tears don't flow the same in space..."
It still sickens me.
A little good news today from AP; Apparently we can all just get along! The pea-brained leader of the Taliban, Mullah Omar, told his men today not to fear death. "Death will definitely come one day," he said. "It does not matter whether we die today or tomorrow. The goal is martyrdom." It is nice to learn that the goals we have in mind for Omar and his followers coincide with his own goals.
Thursday, October 18 2001
I feel guilty. I love my boyfriend and I would never cheat on him, but today I was attracted to another guy. Is it immoral to be attracted to another guy when you are already in a relationship? Does an attraction alone constitute infidelity? In the bigger picture, I don't think so. It depends on how you handle it. I was raised Catholic, so when in doubt, my emotions always jump straight to irrational guilt.
This morning, I sat down in the conference room for the first meeting of a new group getting together to discuss student databases. I was third to arrive of seven. When the last person walked in, my heart skipped a beat, then started beating rapidly. He was just under 6 feet tall, 160 lbs., and had blue-green eyes with thick, straw colored hair that was parted to one side with a swoosh of his bangs. He wore no facial hair, no rings, jewelry nor bodmod. He was dressed in khaki Dockers and a polo shirt over a white T-shirt. He was just a nice, clean-cut looking young guy perhaps five or six years younger than me.
I was instantly smitten with him in a way that was far deeper than looks. He gave off one of those powerful irrational vibes (of course, I don't believe in vibes) which made me feel like it was our destiny (I also don't believe in pre-destiny) to be close friends. There was just something about him ...
He introduced himself as Branden. When he said his name, there was a dim glimmer of recognition in my brain. His name fit his face and evoked some small hint of recollection in my subconscious, but I couldn't place where I might have seen him before. Was it at my friend Brian's birthday party where there were dozens of gay people I'd never met before? Was it at the Pride picnic that I might have seen or met Branden?
And just why was it that I was thinking of him in gay-related context? Branden didn't have a queer tone of voice when he spoke, or use popular queer phrases or gestures. He didn't wear gay fashions. He gave no outward clues about his orientation whatsoever, yet I just *knew* he was family.
I also knew there was no mistaking my feelings. They were very same powerful feelings I first became aware of in the seventh grade; the butterflies in the stomach, the giddy, silly mood - all the old signs of an instant crush. I knew he and I could be the best of friends. All my romantic pursuit instincts were kicking in. Yes, there I was, in the middle of a business meeting, almost five years into a stable relationship with my boyfriend, feeling like Charlie Brown the first time he saw the little red-haired girl in his class.
True to my instincts, Branden and I became allies during the meeting. As the meeting broke up we both involuntarily migrated to each other for a short private follow up. We had business, no doubt, but I'm old enough and wise enough to know when it was personal too - aren't I?
I wanted to ask him to lunch right then, just to start getting to know him better. If I weren't already very involved with Brent, I would have. My instincts were that powerful. I could tell lunch would have gone very well and would have been exciting and fun: the chase joined, the thrill of the hunt! I'll bet we would have had been dating and have had our first kiss together within days.
But of course, none of that will happen. I'm very happy with Brent and I wouldn't ever inflict on him the sadness that leaving him for someone else, or even worse, secretly cheating on him, would inevitably bring. Brent and I are very good together and love each other very much. Our promise of fidelity provides the confidence and stability in our relationship that makes our lives better together than separately.
So why do I still feel strongly attracted to new men in my life every now and then? Certainly lusting after hot guys is normal and to be expected as part of a healthy fantasy life. But what about experiencing a full-on teenage crush? It only happens to me once every year or two, but should it be happening at all? It makes me feel guilty, like I've betrayed Brent in some way.
But that makes no sense. I didn't do anything! I didn't come into work planning to crush on a guy at a meeting today. I didn't cognitively summon affectionate feelings into my head when I met Branden. They just appeared there, unbidden and undesired.
I think this is all good anecdotal evidence supporting my theory that there isn't just one and only one perfect match for each of us. In my theory, there are probably thousands of people that each one of us could find a perfect mutual attraction to and happily share our lives together. I'm not talking about ordinary friends or dates or tricks. I'm talking about the kind of person that Mystics would say you were "meant" to be with, or perhaps that you were paired together with in a previous life. But, despite there being thousands of potential "The Ones" out there, it's still only every few years that we actually meet one them. Oh, but when you meet, you both know it right away!
That is how it was when I met my boyfriend Brent. It happened to me one other time before, and caused me years of broken heartedness because I wasn't out then. The most recent time it happened to me was about three years ago, when I met my friend Mark. I have no doubt Mark and I could be wonderful boyfriends, but that isn't the kind of relationship we need from each other (he's trying to be straight, and I'm happily taken.) He and I have created a very good friendship together that is strictly platonic.
And now something amazing clicked with Branden today. Funny, I can say that without having even talked to him about it yet, but I'm sure it is true. (He sent me an e-mail for no particular reason just a few minutes ago while I was still writing this entry!) I hope Branden and I can become friends in the same way Mark and I have. I'm not going to have a romance with Branden, but in this short life on an ever more hostile world, wouldn't it be a shame to let one of those rare people that have such an immediate and mutual emotional impact just slip away?
Now that would be something to feel guilty about.
Monday, October 22 2001
I'm here, but my polarity is different than yours. I'm out of phase with your world.
That is why you can barely see me.
That is why I am so often and so completely overlooked.
That is why you think you know me, but then can't make sense of me.
That is why, when your mind occasionally shifts into my phase, I take you by blazing surprise.
And that is why, when your mind shifts back, you can't remember what you learned.